Watching the tide of thought and emotion as I play “Hide and Go Seek” with my True Self each day.  I’m reading Busting Loose From the Money Game by Robert Scheinfeld.  He has echoed so much of what I know/feel about this life game we all play.  He uses an Easter egg hunt as one of his allegories of the game.  I am not quite half way through it but I like the direction he is heading. 

 

It is fascinating to watch where I am now in contrast to the past.  Dancing with the sacred sexual has completely changed my life.  I feel more whole and grounded, more at ease with who I am even in the face of living so outside the box of society.   I did something very unlike me recently.  I said no to a charming sexy young man who wanted to date me.  He found me through my website and contacted me first to set up an appointment and then asked if I would consider meeting him and getting to know him personally. I met him for a lunch after a phone call or two.  I could feel his attraction to me and his caring interest but I could also see how we are too different.  I am not looking for a clone of myself but I am looking for a soul who has traveled the spiritual/energy transformational path and can share that journey with me.  I felt I would be in the role of the teacher and if that is the case he is welcome to see me professionally and then maybe a friendship can bloom.  I could hear and feel his disappointment and it was very hard having been in his position so many times myself. 

 

This is one of the first times I have said no to such interest having dated very little in the past.   I know this was the right decision but I have never liked or wanted to be saying no. I certainly have not liked hearing it regarding sexual emotional issues.  It was at a Tantra class that I realized I feared hearing no from men so much that I did not ask for what I wanted.  Something to definitely get over since there are many times when no is more kind and more appropriate than yes whether directed at me or another.  Also if you don’t ask for what you want you will be sure not to get it!  I have stopped playing it so safe that I was went through life more dead than alive.  I truly have started living fully at the ripe age of 58!

 

I watch myself already missing this new fellow’s attention.  Interesting.  There is also the joy of getting to know someone new.  I brought a halt to that as well.  Even with my regrets I know it was the best thing for both of us.  He did remind me of my ex-husband.  My Ex is also a Virgo and a charming attractive younger man.  They are even close to the same age and have some of the same ethnic background. He was a wonderful partner in many ways through a tough time in my life but I never felt well matched to him.   Osho says you are always alone even when you are in a relationship.  My last marriage (I have had two) spoke volumes on that.  I never felt a good balance with him although he could be good company.  I now see myself looking for more of a shared experience.  I am also comfortable with not being in relationship.  My work gives me wonderful loving connections with good boundaries, odd as that may seem to some, that fills some of the drive I have had for relationship.  I like the ease this has created in me.       

 

It is strange, however, to have been so close to someone and have them drop entirely out of my life without the involuntary means of death.  So it is with my Ex and now my young lover (YL).  There are three women in this category also with two having been my choice to sever the connection.  I do have a “That’s Enough” button.  Once it is pushed I seldom look back.  It is hard for me to accept this complete ending with YL since I had always known it would end as a romance but thought the friendship would last a lifetime.  So much for my forecasting ability!  This is an echo of the hardest thing about my Ex leaving me for another woman; that I did not see it coming.  I lost faith in myself for a while after that.  There are those blinders in that game of life again.  That devastating time at the end of my second marriage opened the doors for the deep transformative work and the amazing joy I have experienced since.  It opened the doors to my delightful  Tantric journey.   Although I still grieve the empty space where YL used to be I also have such gratitude that it is empty.  That emptiness leaves room for other joys to come in and for me to go deeper into comfort with my aloneness, something I had fought tooth and nail in the past.  Thanks Osho and YL for guiding me to the Truth of what can be the delight of being alone.

 

So what has changed recently or what do I see differently?   I am indeed more comfortable with my aloneness and even my increasing isolation from society.  When I have a day with no friends in it I can accept the time alone with more grace. I am one of those people who both crave being with others and then craves alone time.  Both are a must for me.   Working with the Sacred Sexual I find myself very fulfilled sexually and more at ease with my totality, enjoying my self pleasuring and the attention given to me from my clients.  I no longer think they are lying to me when they tell me how beautiful I am. 

 

At the recent family gathering I watched myself go into self loathing again about not being the right size to be acceptable.  I grew up with beauty queens and cheerleaders.  My body type never fit that style.  I am here to say you do not have to fit that style to be adored by men.  The one likely pre-requisite is to adore yourself first.  Standing in my power and channeling the Divine Mother has opened this self love and the adoration I receive from others.  I bask in this loving worship but am careful not to take all the credit.  I am a mirror to their own delight, their own beauty, their own joy…as they are to me.

 

I remember how angry and hurt I was when I was praising my Reiki Master and he would deflect my adoration.  I am lovingly accepting their love and worship while watching that I do not take their power from them or try to elevate myself above them.  Some Goddesses do have “slaves” and I find that the opposite of what Tantra is about.  It is a dance of equals, a dance of the God and Goddess.  A few have raised me up into an elevated position and those who do seem to need a placeholder until they can see they are strong enough to become “That” themselves.   I will be their placeholder until they can see that what they are projecting on me is in their own hearts,  is indeed their True Self.  We are all Gods here playing “Hide and Go Seek” with ourselves.  I am honored to play in this game and to dance with others as they play along.

And so it is.

 

Greetings Beloveds,
I am sitting in my big gold chair in my living room after a lovely day at home.  I have had one wonderful client come by today.  It is a joy to meet new people and share the healing of this work with them.  I put my Real Estate license in referral in September and have had an abundant practice since.  Adding Tantra and the Sacred Sexual into the work I do with clients has deepened and expanded the sessions I provide and the joy I feel in my work.  My returning clients give me great joy as I see them dive deeper into themselves and the delight of being alive in a body.  I am humbled to be a part of their transformational journey.  In the future I will tell some stories that may or may not have anything to do with reality.  This will keep everyone's confidentiality and allow me to share healing transformations here. 
On a person note, as the weather gets darker I find myself wanting to retreat and hibernate, as one friend put it.  I ended my relationship with my young lover in October and am adjusting to the single life again.  I do have occassional playmates but he held the relationship space.  Even though he was in NYC he was a constant part of my day by phone, someone to always check in with.  That emptiness has been difficult and good.  As my dear friend and spiritual adviser Sherrie Dillard (www.sherriedillard.com) said; grieve and thrive.  I am doing just that.  I accept the dips of grief and allow the up swing of love that pours in when I go into stillness.  A trip south would be nice and I am thinking of a small vacation maybe over Christmas if not before.  In the meantime I vacation in my heart...dropping down into the Bliss of Being that resides there always.  May your Fall be Blissful!  Enjoy the silences that arise.
All Love!

I am reeling from the heart opening experience with my Beloved teacher and friend Patrick Zeigler.  His weekend class here at my house turned into a 4 day class, adding 2 days of teaching for those who plan to teach this powerful work.  There was so much transformation, so much Divine energy that broke the shell off my heart.  I felt blocked in the lower body again and again I cried and wailed as the source ot the pain emerged to tear me wide open.  I write this with a vulnerable and open heart, feeling the support of the community of love that aways exists and was reflected in the amazing souls that dove into the weekend with me.  Thank you my Beloveds, Thank you Beloved!  All Love!

Delighted that Natalie and Donna have commented on my blog!  Now to figure how to get those comments posted.  :O)  It has been a good day so far.  I finally got back to the pool and walked and swam for 45 minutes.  The work feels good in my body and other than the smell of chlorine it is a delightful sensual experience.  Getting excited that Patrick will be here soon and I have begun to get ready for the July 10-13th class. There is still lots of room for those interested!  :O)  As I get more and more comfortable with the new work i am doing I will write more about it here.  Working with the Sacred Sexual can be challenging as well as delighful!  I do look forward to the day when selling Real Estate is a thng of the past.  Now to figure out how to create a paid link to my writings about my Tantra experieinces.  Some day there may be a book.  And so it goes...

 
                       
Nudes – An Act in Self Love

I am happy to say that after many years of therapy and spiritual work I am moving fully into loving myself.  My work is not done, however.  I still have areas where I resist loving myself completely and unconditionally, like the way I have rejected my body.  I want to love and accept her just as she is, even as she inevitably changes.  I am challenged by her size and shape and the sagging reality of aging after years of trying to escape life using food and neglect.   Losing almost 30 pounds in 2008 has been a major step toward loving this body and taking better care of her.   Continuing this care is an evolving story that I do not know the ending to….beyond that it inevitably ends.  I intend that the story unfold full of unconditional love and joy.  I want that to radiate through me and to do that I continue to clean house.    In 2007 I did a workshop with Arjuna Ardagh at Omega Institute where he had us sit beside a pillow and place our animal bodies on the pillow to speak to us from its innate wisdom.  We would switch places as we assumed the role of our natural animal bodies and then our regular consciousness.  My body’s first statement to me was, “You tried to kill me.”  My response was, “I know, I am sorry.”  My second statement from my body was, “I am here for you no matter what.”  I wept.

I know my body deserves better from me than I have often given her.  I must fully love her as she is and take the steps to care and tend her with love and acceptance.  It is time to transform.  So I begin and continue in stops and starts.   I wish to give myself the gift of health and body ease while not rejecting the largeness of me, while not falling into the right/wrong of social conditioning that says I have to look a certain way to be acceptable.  The Universe has given me such gifts as I take this journey.  I have found an amazing young lover who sees me and accepts me as I am completely.  He does not look to change anything about me and in his love of my uniqueness I learn to give that to myself as well.  In intending more love for myself and taking actions toward that intention the Universe has given me a living example of unconditional love.  His care and delight for this body opens doors in my soul to let the light of more self acceptance in.   

When my friend told me of Susan Singer’s work I quickly accepted the chance to be photographed nude.  A little over a year ago I would have refused and avoided the truthful lens.    As I review the amazing pictures Susan has taken I revel in my enjoyment of this body I see so fully exposed.  She generously shared all of the pictures with me on disks so I can see each and every angle.  Some shots are certainly more becoming than others.  The hardest ones for me to see are of me standing where the realities of gravity decorate my body with sags and ripples.  I am still working on fully loving the sagging.  As I continue loosing weight the sagging will likely become more exaggerated.  Sometimes I see the fat laughing Buddha and smile thinking, I am that.  What Buddha will emerge next?  The roundness that I find becoming will diminish and I will need more acceptance of whatever emerges.  I work to accept what I am in each moment.   Susan’s camera gave me the opportunity to continue my journey of self love and acceptance. Her tender professionalism made the shoot easy and delightful. I am so grateful for this amazing experience.  Thank You and Bless You Susan!  

-February 2009

                                                                            

Greetings All,
I am attempting to enter new things on my website and add my first blog entries.  Hummm.  I wrtie everyday but it seldoms gets anywhere near my blog or computer for that matter,  I will attempt to make some changes in that area.  If I am paying for it I might as well use it.  I look forward to hearing any reactions you may have of what unfolds here.
Many Blessings!

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