Beloved XTC encouraged me to begin to share the dark path I have walked and get more honest about the ongoing struggles I face each day as I stumble on rejoicing or bitching as the case may be.  And so I begin...

on February 23, 2012:

Writing through my heartbreak and longing, I see the words fall in raw sweetness on the page.  They start to chisel an opening through my pain. The sharpness of the pain is my real beginning.  I'm so hardened over and protected.  Breaking through the concrete of my defense is jarring.

The pain falls off in chunks spraying the dust of the past in the air to choke me.  I can barely breathe as more and more debris fills the air.  Gray and uncertain I lose myself in my imagined fog.

Under all that concrete my vulnerable open heart sits waiting to be free again, waiting to expand wider than the Universe.  Inside that vulnerability is a fearless loving consciousness at ease with what is, patiently waiting to be discovered again and again as I get lost in my concrete, my stories...even my excavation.

This excavation distracts me, becoming just one more story in a long line of tales, both real and imagined.  Needs and wants unfulfilled become new wounds, pouring fresh thick grayness to enclose my already captured heart.              

I suffocate in my rigidity.  I choke in my way, my wants, my demands.
                                                                                               I want to die...
                                                                                                                  to escape.

Spewing my 'adult' temper tantrum;
                                                           Why be human?!?
                                                                            Why be in a body?!?
                                                                                                   WHY?!?!

My loneliness and fear turns into my raging angry child.
                           Dreams of screaming at others to "get out!" begin.

When do we start living what we speak, teach or know.  I have known for years not to take things personally and I’ve been unable to live that knowledge in tough moments.  I certainly love to take compliments personally but in doing so I invite in scorn and blame.  The Tao says in creating beauty we create ugliness.  So it is with praise and blame.  This is the realm of opposites and everything in between.  I’m hoping I’ve moved a little further away from the extreme opposites with praise and blame, neither craving one nor collapsing with the other.  This weekend I was once again challenged with taking someone’s actions as a personal insult or letting them go as just their actions and having nothing to do with me.  A few moments were spent brooding with the pain of the actions and how they affected my life.  Then I was pleased to see an opening and lifting of the hurt.  I knew I was projecting a story onto his actions that had nothing to do with me.  Inconvenient as his behavior may have been to my projected plans I was able to know I was taking it personally and pull back from anger and negative reactions.  Wow!  Now what will happen next time.  It almost feels like a switch has gone off.  I like that story!  We shall see when once again I am disappointed or blamed….or praised.  One day at a time!  And so it goes!

 

 

The reflection of my own fear and pain sat in his eyes.  I was torn open and tendrils attached to my heart. The illusionist in him opened the doors to show me exactly what he needed me to see.  I was swept into Neverland, my own lost child running and playing with his.  What an amazing ride!  I was never much of a camper so I did not choose to make Neverland my home.  I longed for civilization and the comfort of the familiar.  Still there are days I long for the excitement and uncertainty of my Beloved Pan, never knowing what Peter, Tink or Captain Hook will do next.  He became them all and more.

 

His dark eyes and mischievous smile enchanted me but his warm inviting sensual embrace remains unforgettable.  There are those who can embrace you with their bodies and some who embrace you with their whole beings.  Pan was one of those amazing creatures.  His embrace was not only of the body but of the soul.  Union was a familiar and hungered for dance in him.  He reflected my own hunger for that sweet merging, beyond one, beyond two, fully into All. 

 

I was not his only Wendy.  He has many.  It seems only right to share the joy and pain.  And there was much pain.  As the delightful illusion wore off, the reality of illness and lostness became more and more apparent in both of us.  He mirrored all my childish lost demands and desires.  It was time for Wendy to grow up even if Pan could not.  I left him in Neverland hoping he would someday come join me in the real world.  I continue to hope he comes to find me here, for the loss of the Union is an ache in me I struggle to fill today.  In my solitary oneness I can allow merging with All and it is Complete, beyond sweet.  Yet in my duality, the longing for the dance with the Beloved Other into Union calls me back to Neverland.

 

 If only I could fly once again in the illusion Pan so masterfully wove.  Fly safe Beloved and if you ever become grounded in Truth, if you ever leave the illusion of Neverland, please come find me. I love you, Pan.  I always will. 

 

What we say about others is more descriptive of who we are than who they are.   As I write the stories of my life I recognize again and again how I am projecting a “story” about the characters there.  Certainly recently I have been immersed in the story of XTC.   Wild and unpredictable is the first brush stroke I would use on my painting of him, inadequate as that may be.  Learning to live with uncertainty and longing colors much of my experience during our time of relating.  I continue to both long for him and fear him now.  The stories I tell myself and others of the dance between us out-pictures who I am and may or may not reflect any real glimpse of the truth of who he actually is.  I cannot help but hear Byron Katie in my head, “I am whoever you project me to be.”

 

This falling in love thing is a real bitch and one of the most powerful roller-coasters we can ride in this embodiment.   I fell for XTC hard and am still “in need” of him.  In love is in need, no getting around it.  The bonding and attachment is powerful and uncontrollable, which makes it so exciting and so exasperating.  The intensity of my feelings for him kept me off my feet for the 8 or so months I was on again-off again with him. Yes, the off the feet, feet in the air part was seriously fun!  It is now off and may or may not remain so.  Everyday I consider contacting him in one way or another.  We are so different yet somewhere I project complimentary.  The sex was some of the most intimate and the most transcendent of my life.  Only my first husband could meet the depth of union I experienced from this self described Tantrika.  This part of the story keeps me linked and somewhat addicted to XTC, my projection of him.  Who was he really?  Who is he now?  We never really stay static…but do seem to get in ruts when we work at it.  I have been a master at recreating the same negative loops in my life.  I do worry that reconnection with Beloved XTC would recreate such a loop.

Greetings Again Beloveds,

This posting is more sexually explicit than those before so be forewarned if you do not wish to read such things.  I have a new friend and playmate that has rocked my world.  I’ll call him XTC here.  I met XTC at a party in May and was enchanted by his wild Mohawk do and sparking diamond earring set against his smooth ebony skin. I walked over to meet him and he purred up against me embracing and encircling me under his arm as “formal” greetings commenced.  His hand began to firmly caress my back as we stood comfortably entwined.  My knees went weak.   “The Goddess is pleased.” I cooed surprised at the hot rush of passion I felt pouring through me.  I would have thrown him on the floor then and there but it wasn’t that kind of party.  Before long he walked through my door for the first time.  I never thought a man could outlast me but this beautiful 35 year old has proven me wrong.  After 3 hours of unbelievable pounding sex I cried “uncle”!  I am someone who can spend hours in bed making love but I have never had a lover who can go on with such wild abandon for so long!  Afterwards I took two wrong turns trying to find the Towson Diner for our late dinner together.  The Diner is just around the corner from me!!!  XTC has mastered the ability of having orgasms without ejaculating and can stay hard for hours. My God, I have met Sting!   :O)    But that is not the part that really ignites me.  OK, yes, it has a big effect since I can barely walk or see straight afterwards but these delicious pleasures take a back seat to Presence. 

 

 XTC practices Yoga and meditates daily.  He understands that we are spirits in bodies and he understands deep silence.  In our first half hour of play and discovery we started breathing deeply in unison pulsing in rhythm with the penetration.  The intensity built with the breath and movement. Oneness blew us both wide open.  Boundaries dissolved, time dissolved, thought disappeared and Being emerged.  As I type this a silence of Being peaks through in this moment.  At dinner XTC looked at me with his coyly curious eyes and asked, “What was your favorite part?”  My first response was, “The moment when your heart opened and I could feel our hearts connect.” then, “Oh!  And that amazing blowing into Oneness with our breath!”  He had to prompt me to ask him his favorite moment since my marbles were still not back together.  He beamed and described the feeling of boundaries dissolving dropping us into Everything.  I praise this new Shiva that has entered my life.  I am honored and grateful to share this human experience with XTC for whatever time is ours to share.  Om Namah Shivah!  I praise the God within! 

 

XTC has given me the gift of experiencing fully what I guide my clients toward in my Tantra sessions, expanding beyond the consciousness of separation and merging into the Great Union.  You merge with Divine Being and see it reflected in your lover’s eyes.  Tan means expanded awareness and Tra is technique or tool.  Tantra as one word means ‘weave’, the weave of all life.   Many have wondered how I move through a session with my clients and it is time to share that here. 

 

You enter the Temple of the Goddess when you come for a Tantra session.  My home is Her Sanctuary.  I pray to the Divine Mother to guide me through each session and to attune it to your specific needs.  After you arrive we get to know each other a little and we discuss and clarify boundaries.  The Goddess donation covers the teaching shared and any sensual or sexual touch is between consenting adults.   You let me know your intention for the session, any special issues you wish to work on or clear.  I then guide you in a meditation to take you more deeply into your heart and body.  The mediation is profoundly relaxing and brings you into a state of peace and presence.  Many clients are amazed at the depth of well being they achieve in this short meditation.  We then do some gazing into each others eyes to connect at a heart and soul level, to see the Divine within the other.  After gazing and connecting I teach you ways to move energy in your body with breath, sound and movement that will expand the orgasmic experience beyond what is often called the ‘pelvic sneeze’.  Through using these techniques you can experience a full body orgasm and, as with XTC, blow into union with All!  

 

Then you move to the massage table to open your body to deeper pleasure with sensual touch.  All of the work is guided by your comfort level and the boundaries that are established at the beginning of the session.  I have had the delight of seeing one of my clients have a 15 minute orgasm because he watched his breath through the whole session.  It actually could have gone on longer but our time had sadly run out.  Breath is the key.  Try to experiment with it at home or work with a Tantrica to find out what you may have been missing.  Our bodies have so much more capacity than we could ever imagine.  It would be an honor to work with you in your explorations.  My Temple awaits.  Love and Blessings to All!

A dear new friend asked me recently what do I believe.  Here is my somewhat edited answer:

‘You asked me last night what I believe in.  I am letting go of belief moving into Knowing.   Belief comes from what others have told you; from socialization or indoctrination.  I Know I have a choice about how I will react to the world around me and whether I live being in my body and heart or in the constantly chattering monkey mind.  I Know wide open unending Consciousness.   I Know the power and full embrace of Unconditional Love.  I Know Loving Ones both in body and in spirit draw close to support me/us in this earthly journey.   If I have a religion it is Unconditional Love and Loving Kindness.  Thank you for asking.’    

 

Truthfully I am still full of belief but I’m working on letting go of those that limit or do not serve me.  I am grateful for the teaching of no right and wrong, it just is.  Accepting what is certainly takes a lot less energy than resisting it; good old Buddhist/Taoist no resistance, no clinging.  I know that there is something to the Buddhist teaching of ‘right action’.  One action will bring more heaviness and tension into your life while another will bring lightness, ease, an uplifting feeling inside.   I think Abraham Hicks talked about it as not paddling up stream. 

 

I see as I get older that I become more and more uncertain of anything.  Instead of this upsetting me it feels like a kind of freedom.  I depend more on the moment and less on planning and calculating.  I am learning to let go into the moment more and finding myself falling more into joy….when I ‘m not calculating and planning of course.  :O)

 

It is interesting to look at what I Know/believe now, although challenging.  My new friend who questioned me comes from a very traditional southern Christian upbringing.  He has witnessed demons being cast out in church and speaks about people having “the anointing”.   He seems very devout in many ways along with being very untraditional.  He has said to me that if the Truth is something other than what he has believed he wants to learn and grow into that.  It is a joy and a challenge getting to know him since his belief structure triggers many of my old ways of thinking/believing. These old beliefs come with a “gonna get ya” attached, a wrathful God.  Fear based beliefs are the opposite of where my heart takes me.

 

I began with a rather open Quaker upbringing, drifted into a ‘Bible beating' stage where I would recommit myself to Jesus on every other Sunday at the Baptist church across from our Quaker Meeting.  I was one of the leaders of a small ecumenical Christian group and would preach from the pulpit there.   I had a very personal relationship with Christ and would allow the words I spoke from the pulpit to channel through me.  Although most of the other leaders would speak of right and wrong, heaven and hell, my messages always spoke of God’s love.  I never dealt with evil or the wrath of God.  I feared it existed as I feared many things then.  Even back then fear seemed the wrong direction and certainly never arose during the channeling that came through me.  Only the promise of God’s love and forgiveness or the plea to love one another rang through.  As I remember the times I channeled God’s message I would often feel a rising up of love that almost overpowered me.  It echoes some of the Tantra and Kundalini experiences I have felt recently.   

 

I am delighted to say I have discarded most of the fear based beliefs and enjoy being constantly curious at what is unfolding before me.  What I Know remains in the background.    I watch my monkey mind and then drop into my heart and feel Unconditional Love, abundance and loving kindness!   That is where I want to live.  

 

Greetings once again Beloveds.  I have been thinking of writing for a while and finally feel inspired to share a few stories with you.  Over the last 3 or 4 years I have heard from several intuitives that a book is on the horizon for me.  I like writing when I have a drive and passion behind my work.  I wrote one erotic story years ago as if I could not stop the flow onto the page.  It just had to come out of me. I think it was a good amusing story as well as erotic.  Much of it was taken from my actual experience including my first spontaneous orgasm in the middle of a popular chain restaurant.  That was a surprise!  These days I would not be so surprised, delighted yes…surprised no.

Recently I realized I was waiting to start because I did not have the end of the story.   Since I was going to once again use my life experience to base the work on I thought how funny that is.  I keep waiting to feel complete and accomplished…done.  LOL!    I wonder if even death affords us that kind of completion.  Since it is a bit hard to write a book after I’m dead I think I may try to start with what I have.  Otherwise I will have to be one more channeling spirit from the “other side”. 

This blog is providing me with a small beginning.  I also journal almost daily and have captured my many ups and downs as I stumble along rejoicing and/or bitching as the case may be.  My intention for a book is to let others know how powerfully rewarding and at times difficult or frightening the journey to the heart can be.  I hope to provide a story that opens the heart bringing the reader into the present moment...a place I have visited occasionally.  Maybe that is what I keep waiting for, a firmer foundation in the present moment.  This is a great excuse to keep me from writing but I think I am figuring out my undermining strategy.   

 

On other fronts, recently I had a client come see me that said he felt stuck.  He hoped working with me and learning some Tantra would open him up.  When I asked him how he described himself he didn’t know how to answer me.   I found this delightful.  He did not see himself as his name, his gender or his profession.  He was truly at a loss and I was very excited for him.  He sounded more unstuck than most folks I know, he just hadn’t seen it yet.  We talked about how one of the ancient roads to Enlightenment is the question, “Who am I? Who is asking that question?”, etc.    Although he did not have a solid definition of himself to entangle him, he did have stress built up from his work life.  Happily by the end of our session he told me he felt completely empty in a good way and deeply at ease.   Through the guided meditation, energy connection and sensual touch we both enjoyed spending time in the present moment.  I encouraged him to return and I watched myself almost clinging to this wonderful and successful session.  I saw my desire rise up to work with him again.  In a flash I was back in the past/future mind game.  I had to laugh at myself.  It is such a pleasure for me when someone comes looking for freedom, looking for a deepening in spirit.  I am happy and comfortable with those who come out of curiosity and/or pleasure alone but those who want to find a deepening in and through themselves really light up my world.  I am feeling gratitude warm my heart as I write this.  Thank You!

 

Lastly, I want everyone to know I recently found my soul mate.  It’s me.  Who knew?  I am not always the best company but I do have everything in common with me.  :O)   Most of the time I am easy to get along with.  Being polyamorous I’m still looking for friends to share experiences with and to share my life but I am working on developing the primary relationship, a more loving forgiving relationship with me.   

 

And so it goes for now.  Your thoughts and reactions are always welcome!

 

Namaste’

 

 

Watching the tide of thought and emotion as I play “Hide and Go Seek” with my True Self each day.  I’m reading Busting Loose From the Money Game by Robert Scheinfeld.  He has echoed so much of what I know/feel about this life game we all play.  He uses an Easter egg hunt as one of his allegories of the game.  I am not quite half way through it but I like the direction he is heading. 

 

It is fascinating to watch where I am now in contrast to the past.  Dancing with the sacred sexual has completely changed my life.  I feel more whole and grounded, more at ease with who I am even in the face of living so outside the box of society.   I did something very unlike me recently.  I said no to a charming sexy young man who wanted to date me.  He found me through my website and contacted me first to set up an appointment and then asked if I would consider meeting him and getting to know him personally. I met him for a lunch after a phone call or two.  I could feel his attraction to me and his caring interest but I could also see how we are too different.  I am not looking for a clone of myself but I am looking for a soul who has traveled the spiritual/energy transformational path and can share that journey with me.  I felt I would be in the role of the teacher and if that is the case he is welcome to see me professionally and then maybe a friendship can bloom.  I could hear and feel his disappointment and it was very hard having been in his position so many times myself. 

 

This is one of the first times I have said no to such interest having dated very little in the past.   I know this was the right decision but I have never liked or wanted to be saying no. I certainly have not liked hearing it regarding sexual emotional issues.  It was at a Tantra class that I realized I feared hearing no from men so much that I did not ask for what I wanted.  Something to definitely get over since there are many times when no is more kind and more appropriate than yes whether directed at me or another.  Also if you don’t ask for what you want you will be sure not to get it!  I have stopped playing it so safe that I went through life more dead than alive.  I truly have started living fully at the ripe age of 58!

 

I watch myself already missing this new fellow’s attention.  Interesting.  There is also the joy of getting to know someone new.  I brought a halt to that as well.  Even with my regrets I know it was the best thing for both of us.  He did remind me of my ex-husband.  My Ex is also a Virgo and a charming attractive younger man.  They are even close to the same age and have some of the same ethnic background. He was a wonderful partner in many ways through a tough time in my life but I never felt well matched to him.   Osho says you are always alone even when you are in a relationship.  My last marriage (I have had two) spoke volumes on that.  I never felt a good balance with him although he could be good company.  I now see myself looking for more of a shared experience.  I am also comfortable with not being in relationship.  My work gives me wonderful loving connections with good boundaries, odd as that may seem to some, that fills some of the drive I have had for relationship.  I like the ease this has created in me.       

 

It is strange, however, to have been so close to someone and have them drop entirely out of my life without the involuntary means of death.  So it is with my Ex and now my young lover (YL).  There are three women in this category also with two having been my choice to sever the connection.  I do have a “That’s Enough” button.  Once it is pushed I seldom look back.  It is hard for me to accept this complete ending with YL since I had always known it would end as a romance but thought the friendship would last a lifetime.  So much for my forecasting ability!  This is an echo of the hardest thing about my Ex leaving me for another woman; that I did not see it coming.  I lost faith in myself for a while after that.  There are those blinders in that game of life again.  That devastating time at the end of my second marriage opened the doors for the deep transformative work and the amazing joy I have experienced since.  It opened the doors to my delightful  Tantric journey.   Although I still grieve the empty space where YL used to be I also have such gratitude that it is empty.  That emptiness leaves room for other joys to come in and for me to go deeper into comfort with my aloneness, something I had fought tooth and nail in the past.  Thanks Osho and YL for guiding me to the Truth of what can be the delight of being alone.

 

So what has changed recently or what do I see differently?   I am indeed more comfortable with my aloneness and even my increasing isolation from society.  When I have a day with no friends in it I can accept the time alone with more grace. I am one of those people who both crave being with others and then craves alone time.  Both are a must for me.   Working with the Sacred Sexual I find myself very fulfilled sexually and more at ease with my totality, enjoying my self pleasuring and the attention given to me from my clients.  I no longer think they are lying to me when they tell me how beautiful I am. 

 

At the recent family gathering I watched myself go into self loathing again about not being the right size to be acceptable.  I grew up with beauty queens and cheerleaders.  My body type never fit that style.  I am here to say you do not have to fit that style to be adored by men.  The one likely pre-requisite is to adore yourself first.  Standing in my power and channeling the Divine Mother has opened this self love and the adoration I receive from others.  I bask in this loving worship but am careful not to take all the credit.  I am a mirror to their own delight, their own beauty, their own joy…as they are to me.

 

I remember how angry and hurt I was when I was praising my Reiki Master and he would deflect my adoration.  I am lovingly accepting their love and worship while watching that I do not take their power from them or try to elevate myself above them.  Some Goddesses do have “slaves” and I find that the opposite of what Tantra is about.  It is a dance of equals, a dance of the God and Goddess.  A few have raised me up into an elevated position and those who do seem to need a placeholder until they can see they are strong enough to become “That” themselves.   I will be their placeholder until they can see that what they are projecting on me is in their own hearts,  is indeed their True Self.  We are all Gods here playing “Hide and Go Seek” with ourselves.  I am honored to play in this game and to dance with others as they play along.

And so it is.

 

Greetings Beloveds,
I am sitting in my big gold chair in my living room after a lovely day at home.  I have had one wonderful client come by today.  It is a joy to meet new people and share the healing of this work with them.  I put my Real Estate license in referral in September and have had an abundant practice since.  Adding Tantra and the Sacred Sexual into the work I do with clients has deepened and expanded the sessions I provide and the joy I feel in my work.  My returning clients give me great joy as I see them dive deeper into themselves and the delight of being alive in a body.  I am humbled to be a part of their transformational journey.  In the future I will tell some stories that may or may not have anything to do with reality.  This will keep everyone's confidentiality and allow me to share healing transformations here. 
On a person note, as the weather gets darker I find myself wanting to retreat and hibernate, as one friend put it.  I ended my relationship with my young lover in October and am adjusting to the single life again.  I do have occassional playmates but he held the relationship space.  Even though he was in NYC he was a constant part of my day by phone, someone to always check in with.  That emptiness has been difficult and good.  As my dear friend and spiritual adviser Sherrie Dillard (www.sherriedillard.com) said; grieve and thrive.  I am doing just that.  I accept the dips of grief and allow the up swing of love that pours in when I go into stillness.  A trip south would be nice and I am thinking of a small vacation maybe over Christmas if not before.  In the meantime I vacation in my heart...dropping down into the Bliss of Being that resides there always.  May your Fall be Blissful!  Enjoy the silences that arise.
All Love!

I am reeling from the heart opening experience with my Beloved teacher and friend Patrick Zeigler.  His weekend class here at my house turned into a 4 day class, adding 2 days of teaching for those who plan to teach this powerful work.  There was so much transformation, so much Divine energy that broke the shell off my heart.  I felt blocked in the lower body again and again I cried and wailed as the source ot the pain emerged to tear me wide open.  I write this with a vulnerable and open heart, feeling the support of the community of love that aways exists and was reflected in the amazing souls that dove into the weekend with me.  Thank you my Beloveds, Thank you Beloved!  All Love!