Watching the tide of thought and emotion as I play “Hide and Go Seek” with my True Self each day.  I’m reading Busting Loose From the Money Game by Robert Scheinfeld.  He has echoed so much of what I know/feel about this life game we all play.  He uses an Easter egg hunt as one of his allegories of the game.  I am not quite half way through it but I like the direction he is heading. 

It is fascinating to watch where I am now in contrast to the past.  Dancing with the sacred sexual has completely changed my life.  I feel more whole and grounded, more at ease with who I am even in the face of living so outside the box of society.   I did something very unlike me recently.  I said no to a charming sexy young man who wanted to date me.  He found me through my website and contacted me first to set up an appointment and then asked if I would consider meeting him and getting to know him personally. I met him for a lunch after a phone call or two.  I could feel his attraction to me and his caring interest but I could also see how we are too different.  I am not looking for a clone of myself but I am looking for a soul who has traveled the spiritual/energy transformational path and can share that journey with me.  I felt I would be in the role of the teacher and if that is the case he is welcome to see me professionally and then maybe a friendship can bloom.  I could hear and feel his disappointment and it was very hard having been in his position so many times myself. 

This is one of the first times I have said no to such interest having dated very little in the past.   I know this was the right decision but I have never liked or wanted to be saying no. I certainly have not liked hearing it regarding sexual emotional issues.  It was at a Tantra class that I realized I feared hearing no from men so much that I did not ask for what I wanted.  Something to definitely get over since there are many times when no is more kind and more appropriate than yes whether directed at me or another.  Also if you don’t ask for what you want you will be sure not to get it!  I have stopped playing it so safe that I went through life more dead than alive.  I truly have started living fully at the ripe age of 58!

I watch myself already missing this new fellow’s attention.  Interesting.  There is also the joy of getting to know someone new.  I brought a halt to that as well.  Even with my regrets I know it was the best thing for both of us.  He did remind me of my ex-husband.  My Ex is also a Virgo and a charming attractive younger man.  They are even close to the same age and have some of the same ethnic background. He was a wonderful partner in many ways through a tough time in my life but I never felt well matched to him.   Osho says you are always alone even when you are in a relationship.  My last marriage (I have had two) spoke volumes on that.  I never felt a good balance with him although he could be good company.  I now see myself looking for more of a shared experience.  I am also comfortable with not being in relationship.  My work gives me wonderful loving connections with good boundaries, odd as that may seem to some, that fills some of the drive I have had for relationship.  I like the ease this has created in me.       

It is strange, however, to have been so close to someone and have them drop entirely out of my life without the involuntary means of death.  So it is with my Ex and now my young lover (YL).  There are three women in this category also with two having been my choice to sever the connection.  I do have a “That’s Enough” button.  Once it is pushed I seldom look back.  It is hard for me to accept this complete ending with YL since I had always known it would end as a romance but thought the friendship would last a lifetime.  So much for my forecasting ability!  This is an echo of the hardest thing about my Ex leaving me for another woman; that I did not see it coming.  I lost faith in myself for a while after that.  There are those blinders in that game of life again.  That devastating time at the end of my second marriage opened the doors for the deep transformative work and the amazing joy I have experienced since.  It opened the doors to my delightful  Tantric journey.   Although I still grieve the empty space where YL used to be I also have such gratitude that it is empty.  That emptiness leaves room for other joys to come in and for me to go deeper into comfort with my aloneness, something I had fought tooth and nail in the past.  Thanks Osho and YL for guiding me to the Truth of what can be the delight of being alone.

So what has changed recently or what do I see differently?   I am indeed more comfortable with my aloneness and even my increasing isolation from society.  When I have a day with no friends in it I can accept the time alone with more grace. I am one of those people who both crave being with others and then craves alone time.  Both are a must for me.   Working with the Sacred Sexual I find myself very fulfilled sexually and more at ease with my totality, enjoying my self pleasuring and the attention given to me from my clients.  I no longer think they are lying to me when they tell me how beautiful I am. 

At the recent family gathering I watched myself go into self loathing again about not being the right size to be acceptable.  I grew up with beauty queens and cheerleaders.  My body type never fit that style.  I am here to say you do not have to fit that style to be adored by men.  The one likely pre-requisite is to adore yourself first.  Standing in my power and channeling the Divine Mother has opened this self love and the adoration I receive from others.  I bask in this loving worship but am careful not to take all the credit.  I am a mirror to their own delight, their own beauty, their own joy…as they are to me.

I remember how angry and hurt I was when I was praising my Reiki Master and he would deflect my adoration.  I am lovingly accepting their love and worship while watching that I do not take their power from them or try to elevate myself above them.  Some Goddesses do have “slaves” and I find that the opposite of what Tantra is about.  It is a dance of equals, a dance of the God and Goddess.  A few have raised me up into an elevated position and those who do seem to need a placeholder until they can see they are strong enough to become “That” themselves.   I will be their placeholder until they can see that what they are projecting on me is in their own hearts,  is indeed their True Self.  We are all Gods here playing “Hide and Go Seek” with ourselves.  I am honored to play in this game and to dance with others as they play along.

And so it is.