What we say about others is more descriptive of who we are than who they are.   As I write the stories of my life I recognize again and again how I am projecting a “story” about the characters there.  Certainly recently I have been immersed in the story of XTC.   Wild and unpredictable is the first brush stroke I would use on my painting of him, inadequate as that may be.  Learning to live with uncertainty and longing colors much of my experience during our time of relating.  I continue to both long for him and fear him now.  The stories I tell myself and others of the dance between us out-pictures who I am and may or may not reflect any real glimpse of the truth of who he actually is.  I cannot help but hear Byron Katie in my head, “I am whoever you project me to be.”

This falling in love thing is a real bitch and one of the most powerful roller-coasters we can ride in this embodiment.   I fell for XTC hard and am still “in need” of him.  In love is in need, no getting around it.  The bonding and attachment is powerful and uncontrollable, which makes it so exciting and so exasperating.  The intensity of my feelings for him kept me off my feet for the 8 or so months I was on again-off again with him. Yes, the off the feet, feet in the air part was seriously fun!  It is now off and may or may not remain so.  Everyday I consider contacting him in one way or another.  We are so different yet somewhere I project complimentary.  The sex was some of the most intimate and the most transcendent of my life.  Only my first husband could meet the depth of union I experienced from this self described Tantrika.  This part of the story keeps me linked and somewhat addicted to XTC, my projection of him.  Who was he really?  Who is he now?  We never really stay static…but do seem to get in ruts when we work at it.  I have been a master at recreating the same negative loops in my life.  I do worry that reconnection with Beloved XTC would recreate such a loop.